21 June 2013

Cycle 2: Day 9

So back from my scan and of course I am depressed.  There just aren't as many follicles as last time.  The doctor (not my normal doctor) measured 6 although I think I saw at least one or two more.  One is way out ahead so it probably won't last the duration.  At this time last cycle I think I had at least 12-14 follicles showing and I only got 6 eggs.  I'm steeling myself to get a low collection number.

Of course this is upsetting.  Firstly, it's upsetting because it's all conjecture.  Each follicle COULD yield an egg and I could do just as well as last cycle, I just don't BELIEVE that is what is going to happen.  So that sort of sucks.  If I go on a 50% yield, I'm looking at a collection of 3.  Of course any is better than nothing.

This is what I keep telling myself.  I mean, what am I getting so upset about?  This is where my fertility is at right now.  If I was trying to get pregnant, this is what it would be.  If I wait around for when I hope to have children, it's going to be worse.  The only thing I can be doing right now is this, and this is what my body produces.  Any frozen egg is better than no frozen eggs.  But it is so hard to not want to place blame or look for some sort of 'answer' to why it's not as good as I want it to be.

I recently answered some questions for an interview on egg freezing in an Australian magazine and the interviewer asked me if I wish I'd done this sooner.  Yes.  Absolutely, 100% yes.  It's hard not to feel like I've let my best years go.  Obviously when I was younger I had hope that things would just work out but that's not what's happened.  So now, at almost 39 I just feel annoyed that I didn't know about this sooner, didn't do it sooner, let all those better eggs go sooner....

Not that any of that is productive.  The only productive thing that I can do right now is exactly what I'm doing.  I need to just try to stay focused on that and not let myself get worked up about things that are completely out of my control.

But it's hard.

Anyway.  I'm sticking to the same dose for injections.  Next scan is Monday with again not my usual doctor but not the one I just saw either, instead the one I saw at the start of my cycle (which I think covers all the doctors because I think there is only the three).  I'll update here again after the scan.

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