Cycle 3: Day 11

Had my last scan of this cycle this morning.  Retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday.  This means I'll be taking my trigger shot Sunday night which will be day 14.  This is identical to my last cycle, and one day ahead of my first cycle.

This morning I woke up with a horrible lower back pain on the side of my ovary.  I'm sure the enlarged ovary isn't helping any because I also feel pretty bloated in the stomach now, but the truth is, I get my fair share of lower back pain so I wasn't overly alarmed.  I was annoyed though because what I usually do when I have this pain is some yoga stretching which is mostly spinal twisting.  Given that twisting is a big no-no with an enlarged ovary, I've been suffering back pain all day now.  It's not very nice.  And of course I can't take any pain killers either.  Ugh.

Saw the director of the clinic again this time as my normal doctor was fully booked.  I've seen him once already this cycle so I didn't mind too much, although I would probably prefer to see the same doctor throughout.  He had a good look and measure of the follicles and the ovary (I think because I also mentioned the back pain).  Apparently everything is growing at pretty much an identical pace to the previous cycles so I suppose it's good that I'm reasonably reliable.

He counted six good sized follicles with a couple more behind, so that was good.  I was watching the scan as he looked and it was difficult to tell sometimes where one started and another stopped.  When they are side by side it's easy, but when they're on top of each other it's not as clear.  At any rate, it looks like I have a bit more follicles than last cycle, although obviously they may not all contain eggs.  I also have three more days of stimulating.  So hopefully it will all go as previous and I get a reasonable number of eggs.

So having the retrieval day, my next order of business was to find someone to collect me from the clinic.  I still think this is one of the more demoralizing aspects to egg freezing.  My collection is on a Tuesday morning.  So I have to ask someone to take off work to meet me.  I don't have a partner where it would sort of be their obligation.  It's not always easy.  I've was pretty lucky the first two cycles but this one wasn't so easy.  I had to call and email a few people before I finally found someone who could do it.  I had talked to the receptionist about if I really couldn't find anyone and I did have a back-up plan to take a taxi home.  It would have worked out either way, but I guess what I'm saying is, it's not nice to feel alone in the midst of this.  It's just one more thing you don't really need.

Anyway, it's sorted.

And I'm probably particularly feeling grumpy because of the hormones.  I can tell that I'm definitely grumpy!

I have enough drugs to see me through so that was all good.  I'll end up with one 225 dose of Gonal-F left in the pen but that means I completely saved money by buying the drugs externally.  The only thing I had to get from the clinic was the Voltarol suppository, but they give me that for free, so not a problem.  Only four more days of injections left!  I'm actually pretty excited that this is almost over!

In other news mulling over in my head, over on the eggsurance forum there has been a woman posting about how she tried to use her frozen eggs.  I'm not sure of all the details, but it seems like she had 9 frozen eggs in total, it resulted in two embryos, both of which she implanted, but both of which were miscarried recently.  That was a bit depressing to hear.  I know there are a lot of factors that go into all of this and you can't really compare yourself to one person on a forum, but I'm just conscious that I'm not going to end up with that much many more eggs than she had.  I guess it's important to remember that none of this is any sort of guarantee.

It's not worth thinking about it too much.  I feel bad for the woman.  There are other options, and I hope she feels satisfied that she did what she could, but it's definitely a blow.

Anyway.

Unless something remarkable happens between now and retrieval, I'll next write to say how it all went.  I have an acupuncture appointment on Saturday which I'm oddly looking forward to.  You'd think I'd be fed up with needles by now!!

The Inbetween

Just thought I'd throw an update here.  It feels like ages ago since my last cycle even though it wasn't.  In between then and now I have had a birthday which makes me 39.  When thinking about fertility, your age makes you stressed.  There just isn't any way around that.  So I try not to dwell on it too much.

Originally I thought I would do my third cycle in September or October.  Right now I feel October would be better for me.  August has been a ridiculously busy month and I need to get back into a normal routine.  I'm also considering some acupuncture.  Not just for fertility stuff as I'm not particularly convinced it's helpful.  But for stress.  I am generally very stressed these days and I don't think that helps with making my body a fertile place.  I am only going to have one more shot at this, so I need to feel I've done what I can.  Obviously I should also lose some weight, but that's not particularly happening.

It looks like I will end up paying for my third cycle without parental help.  It is what it is.  I know I'm very lucky that my mother helped with the first two cycles.  Still, it is a horribly expensive process.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about jobs and life after my PhD which is nearing its end (hence a lot of the stress).  When I think about jobs and the future I find I fixate on where I can get good maternity cover.  It's not that I have given up on meeting someone and having a partner, but I feel this tremendous time pressure.  I just don't want to be that old and have a baby.  So probably something I want to do in the next 2-3 years.  Scary.  Getting eggs is one thing.  Thinking about babies is something else entirely.

Anyway.  I need to make a follow up appointment with my clinic and order the next round of drugs.  Obviously I'm going for Healthcare at Home!!  I also want to see if I can get to see the clinic psychologist to talk through my stress and baby thoughts.  After all, it's included in my cycle costs.

In the meantime, I am just enjoying my time off from the cycle.

Cycle 2: Day 15

So yesterday was a big day!  Sorry to be a day behind but I got home and the phone company had shut off all the phones in my building which meant no easy internet.

Anyway, yesterday was scan day.  Back to my regular doctor.  Had a good scan and a good chat with him.  The decision was made to trigger, so my collection is tomorrow (Friday).  That's one day short of the last cycle but pretty much the same.  I have 4 large follicles and any further stimulation could cause me to lose them.  I may lose one already but we'll see.  There are also 3-4 follicles just squeaking past 11mm.  Apparently that's the threshold for finding mature eggs.  So they will sweep all of them in the hopes of finding some.  But I guess I should be looking for about 4 eggs tomorrow and anything more would be great and anything less will make me depressed and then I'll have to get over it.

So my appointment is at noon tomorrow.  This meant I took only Cetrotide last night before 10:30 (I took it around 9:30, and I did it in a restaurant bathroom.  Not ideal but it was all rather short notice and I figured that was better than cancelling my plans.).  Then at precisely 11:30 at night I did the Ovitrelle injection.  This was a different system than the one I got on my first cycle.  This one came in a pen just like the Gonal-F so super easy.  Not that the pre-filled syringe wasn't easy as well.  I like injections that are easy.

And now I wait.  Today no injections.  No food or drink past midnight.  On the first cycle my collection was early in the morning, so it was easy not to do food or drink.  This time I have to wait out half a day which is going to be a bit more challenging although obviously not nearly impossible.  Just annoying really.  Also no deodorant or anything so I'll take a shower before I go and hope it's not too warm out.  Oh, and of course there's the lovely Voltarol suppository that I just need to "pop in" before heading to the clinic.  Fun times.

I've arranged a friend to come meet me and go home with me.  Much easier this time as the first person I asked could do it.  And she's super sweet, she asked me what I wanted as some comfort food so she'd make it for me when we get back to mine.  Macaroni and cheese, you are mine all mine!

In other news I learned how I get moved from the procedure room to the recovery room.  Apparently they wheel in the recovery room bed and slide you across.  That makes sense.  I knew it wasn't the same bed!  I also asked about follow up appointments.  Apparently the reason I got charged for the last one is I had a scan.  A talking follow up appointment is free, but the scan costs.  I still find that slightly annoying, especially since I was "feeling" my ovary and I think it's reasonable aftercare to have a look and make sure nothing is wrong.  But this time I know, or rather, expect that my ovary will take a while to get back to "normal" so I won't have a scan after but I will make a follow up appointment to discuss what the next steps are.  If I do get 4 eggs I'll have 10 on ice.  That's really not enough for me to feel comfortable.  But I can probably only afford one more cycle.  So we'll see.

The only differences between last cycle and this cycle other than my taking conception vitamins was one less day of norethisterone prior to stimulation.  There haven't been any other impact factors.  I mean, other than I'm stressed, but I'm pretty sure I was stressed for the first cycle.  And I mean "life" stressed not egg freezing stressed.  Meh.  It is what it is!  I'm doing the best I can!  (Repeat).

Oh, the other thing I talked about with the doctor was in vitro maturation of eggs that aren't mature.  He wasn't in favor saying the results are really generally poor and in fact as a clinic they are so underwhelmed by the success of in vitro matured eggs they don't offer it.  Again, who am I to argue with the doctor?  Their success rates as a clinic are high.  I'm sure that it does work for some people, but I guess they look at it as an overall benefit and don't see it as panning out.  So one less thing for me to consider.  That's fine.  I'm okay with that.

So anyway, depending on when I have home internet again, I'll update with the results.  Nothing to do now but wait! (And drink gallons of water.)

Cycle 2: Day 12

Had another scan today.  Still at about 6 follicles or so.  Two of them are larger and could be collected but the doctor is hoping the other four will grow and catch up.  I had a good talk with this doctor today.  I said that I was feeling a bit discouraged about the lower follicle count compared to the first cycle.  She told me that I really had no reason to be discouraged.  That it was a reasonable outcome for someone of my age and with one ovary.  And that I was responding well to the medication.  She said that when they usually see women it's because they are having fertility problems, and I don't even know if I have any problems at all.  She reiterated that it's really a lot about the egg quality.  She told me she's seen women who get over ten eggs and none are good quality and another woman who came and only got one egg and then she got pregnant.  Apparently they've also used frozen eggs successfully.  Although they were donor eggs (and so most likely younger than my eggs) there were two frozen and they got a single pregnancy.  So all of that was good.  She also mentioned that I might want to take advantage of the free counseling that the clinic offers.  I mean, I'm not entirely sure what a counselor can tell me.  I sort of know what the deal is, it's just stressful.  On the other hand, I feel a lot better having talked to the doctor and so maybe it would help to talk to the counselor and considering it's free, why the heck not?

I also asked the doctor about the protocol they use compared to the ones I hear about from the other egg freezers I know in the States.  It seems like the UK protocol is much simpler- less drugs and almost no blood work other than the initial blood work.  The doctor told me that they've looked at all the results so far from these procedures and they feel they simply aren't necessary.  Obviously each doctor will have a different opinion but I do feel good that they at least keep up with these things.  My clinic is one of the best in the UK with high results to prove it.  They have to know something right about what they're doing.

In the meantime I continue on the same schedule- 225 Gonal-F and .25 Cetrotide.  My next scan is Wednesday and collection will probably be Friday or maybe Saturday but I'll know for sure after the next scan.  Seems like I'm on the same time schedule as the first cycle.  Oh, and I did say something about how I felt like it was along time and she assured me that this is not a long time.  She said some people take 3-4 weeks, and that's a long cycle!

Cyle 2: Day 6

So I just got back from my first scan after starting the stimulation.  As per last cycle, my follicles are slow starters.  The doctor measured 7.  He also measured my cyst, which does not appear to be growing.  I was a bit disappointed by 7 and thought that was less than the last cycle.  He checked and said at the first scan in the first cycle, he had noted 8.  So yeah, one less so far.  He didn't seem worried though and said that I just seem to have slow starters and it's too early to be able to tell anything yet.  He's keeping me on the same drug protocol as last time.  So I guess that means I'm definitely in for a long stimulation cycle.  And I'm preparing myself for a low number collection.

I think what's hard about the medication is how quickly I can get upset.  I honestly don't notice any other side effects of the stimulation drugs.  But when something happens that could possibly be upsetting, I feel like it's devastating.  That could also be because this process is stressful in general.  Obviously what anyone who is doing this wants is the most mature eggs as possible.  It's frustrating to know you can't really do anything about it.  What the scan shows is what your body has.

I keep reminding myself that if I had two ovaries, these would be really good results for someone who is almost 39.  In fact, if I was getting twice the number, I would be pleased.  So it's not really my body at fault.  I'm simply asking or wanting too much from it.  I'm being unrealistic.  I've come across women with two ovaries who have gotten the same number of eggs from their cycles.  I shouldn't be upset.

I guess it's not that I'm upset.  I'm just disappointed.  But then I remind myself, that the very best thing I can be doing right now to address this, is exactly what I'm doing right now.  And that makes me feel a little bit better.

Period

So my period has arrived.  Full flow started around 4pm or so which makes tomorrow 'day one' according to my clinic.  I will call them in the morning and arrange my first scan for Thursday which, if all looks well, will also be day 1 of injections.  For my first cycle I started shots on the 9th and had the retrieval on the 26th.  This month my first shot will be on the 13th. If my cycle takes as long, that puts my retrieval at the 30th.  I really hope it doesn't go as long this time!  But I have enough drugs ready in case it does.  I'm actually sort of excited to get this all going again.  I don't think I'll do the day by day journal that I did for my first cycle, but I'm sure I'll update with things that occur to me.

I will say one thing of significance which is, this time around I feel much more calm.  I've done this once already so there are less 'unknowns' and questions that I have.  I've also come to terms with how I feel right now about where I'm at relationship wise, with thinking about having children in the future, etc.  I'm also not scared or nervous, although of course I'm a bit anxious because there is always the worry about how many eggs you're going to get.  But that's the only thing I'm worrying about.  Everything else is much calmer this time around.  So that's good.  And a good thing to know if someone reading this is thinking of doing a second cycle.  I think the second cycle is probably a lot easier.

She says at the start.

F*** You, Post Office

I've had a very frustrating morning.  I only had enough norethisterone for 7 days and then the head nurse said after discussion I could take them for 9 days but they had to send me more.  So I ordered them and they mailed them to me but I was away last week when they arrived so I got a post slip and had to arrange redelivery.  I've waited all morning for it, it's not here and now the post office is closed for pick ups.  This means I will not be on the norethisterone for the 2 additional days.  I'm annoyed about this but I hasten to add, not panicked.  Mainly because my doctor suggested I only take them for the 7 days anyway (when I said that was what I had left from the first cycle) so it was a late change to add the 2 days.  And not by my doctor.  So it goes to show how... 'not rigorous' the process is.  Still, I had in my head I'm going to take pills for 7 days and then the pills don't arrive due to my FUCKING post office people and it really makes me angry.  I should have just not arranged the redelivery and gone this morning to pick everything up.    SO ANGRY.

Rolling

Well my period finally arrived and I've been in touch with the clinic to arrange my norethisterone start.  When I contacted them I pointed out that my period is definitely not on a 28 day cycle.  After my first collection, my period came March 8.  My next period started April 11.  This period has taken it's time and come May 14.  Of course everything seems to be scheduled around a 28 day cycle and that is not me.  So I commented on this and heard back that they want to put me on an extra day of norethisterone that starts June 1.  For the first cycle I was on 8 days so now I'll be on 9.  It also looks, based on this, that my collection will be late June and my injection start will be mid June.  So it's still a bit of time yet, but the ball is rolling!

Day 16 - It's the Final Countdown

I can't believe I have taken my last shots of this cycle!  I was very good about taking my two shots last night exactly on time.  My last Cetrotide was at 7:01pm and my Ovitrelle was at 8:01pm.  Go me.

And because it's something new, I also have some new pictures to share.  First, there's the Ovitrelle.  It needed to be kept in the fridge.  I looked online and it seemed reasonable to believe that I could remove it from the fridge about 30 minutes before injection so it was less chilly.  So I did.  Here is the box:

And here is what is inside the box.  One pre-filled and ready-to-go syringe.  Oh, and also there was a little instruction and information sheet, but it wasn't very useful or interesting so I didn't photograph that.

Having removed it from the fridge 30 minutes before injecting, it wasn't noticeably cold in any way or uncomfortable compared to my other injections.  Now, you might notice the air bubble that it comes with.  I did ask the nurse and she said not to worry about the air bubble.  That as the injection was subcutaneous, it doesn't matter.  Air bubbles really only matter if they get into your veins.  But I wasn't thrilled with the big air bubble so I did get rid of most of it before doing the injection although not all of it- as I didn't want to risk losing any of the injection itself.  It went in no problem and then I was done:

I did think one thing interesting about this syringe was how it was sort of "all glass".  The Cetrotide syringes had a plastic plunger.  I thought this was actually a rather attractive sort of syringe.  If such things can be viewed in any was as attractive.  Anyway, I put the cover back on the needle and put my last bit of sharp into my sharps bin!

 

So here you see it.  The results of my first cycle of sharps.  Pretty much filled the bin.  you can see that it says not to fill above the line and I'd suggest that it was pretty much filled exactly to the line!  This was mainly due to all of the extra and unused needles that come with the Gonal-F pens.  Pretty wasteful, those.  Anyway, I figure I will take this with me tomorrow morning to the clinic and give it to them for disposal so I got to lock down the lid!

And so that's it really.  The only thing left in my bag of tricks is the lovely suppository.

Oh yippee.  It's funny to read some of the forums where people get all squeamish about suppositories.  Honestly, you've been jabbing yourself with needles for two weeks and getting done by an ultrasound dildo every few days and you can't manage to pop something up your bum?  I find this line of modesty sort of amusing.  But in reality, that picture makes it look a bit invasive.  Really, it's very tiny and I'm sure it will be no problem at all.

And so tomorrow I will have answers to questions that no one can answer for me.  Today I am going to drink huge amounts of water and eat sensibly but light (I had a massive Sunday roast yesterday and ate red meat like it was going out of style).  No food or drink after midnight- though I plan to be asleep by then.  Then up bright and early to have a shower and then avoid putting on deodorant or anything else with a scent as instructed by my clinic, pop in the suppository, grab my sharps box, and get on public transport at 7:30 to be there for 8:30 for my procedure at 9am.

It's hard not to be hopeful.  And simultaneously afraid of a bad result.  It will be what it will be.  There is nothing else I can do but wait and see.  And I will update here when I am able.  I still plan to travel up to Cambridge tomorrow night though, so we'll see how everything is going.  It could all be panic stations around here just due to my life, as of now put on hold, resuming with force.

Days 14, 15

Last night was my last Gonal-F injection!!  It was 187.5 as opposed to the 225 I've been taking for the rest of my cycle.  And of course the Cetrotide.  The past two days all of the injections have been pretty easy which has been nice.  Today I have my last injections before egg collection.  At 7pm I take the Cetrotide and then at 8pm I take the Ovitrelle that is waiting for me in the fridge.  Monday- no shots!  Then Tuesday morning I need to pop in a Voltarol suppository before heading to the clinic super early.  The Voltarol is for pain relief and seems standard practice for some UK clinics according to forums on the internet.

I've arranged for my friend to be there by 10 and I imagine I should be able to leave by 11 at the latest.  So the end is almost here.  I can see it.  I'm both nervous and excited.  And I'm not going to lie, I'm also excited to get my life back for a couple of months where I'm not injecting myself every night and giving up alcohol and caffeine.

My right side where my ovary is feels a bit tight but honestly it's felt worse at different parts of this journey.  I've been very careful to avoid twisting and I can't help worry about things like OHSS and what happens after egg collection, but by the time my period comes it should all be flushing away and reverting to normal.

It's easy to get wrapped up in this experience but I still find it challenging that the support and advice for egg freezing is just dwarfed by IVF.  The issues are entirely different.  I do find it useful to read IVF forums for understanding issues regarding the egg collection process, but all this DH this and BFN/P that- it's not relevant to my journey and in some ways highlights the wrong thing about this process as it only painfully reminds me that my life is not where I had hoped it would be at this point.

It's also interesting the responses I've had from different friends about what I'm doing.  I have been reasonably open about telling friends of mine what I'm doing and the results have ranged from "That's amazing and you would make a great mother." to "Why would you do that?" to "Why don't you just get pregnant now?".  The responses have not necessarily coordinated with the friends I thought they would have, either.

I'm not rushing in to any decisions.  I just feel that this gives me an option I would otherwise be passing up.  And I believe that it is a good idea and the right thing for me to be doing at this time.  In addition, having lost an ovary already, it makes sense to try to preserve eggs from my remaining ovary which, as discussed already has a small cyst on it, because as I well know- anything can happen and then your choices can be taken away from you.

On the other hand, it puts into stark relief things about my life that have disappointed me.  It forces me to consider things that I have not necessarily been considering.  And I feel it is additionally challenging to be undertaking all of this alone without anyone to truly share 'the burden' of the harder thoughts with.  Or just the stupid moments of having injections and sharps boxes.

It's part of the reason I made this blog, and have tried to find others.  Or maybe I'm just someone who likes sharing.  Anyway.  Enough Sunday morning rambling!  I will continue to keep this blog updated with the results of this cycle, any thoughts in between, and when I do the second cycle (which I am entirely assuming I will do as there is no reason at this point to think I won't) I'll return to it, though possibly not the day by day description that this first cycle has been.  But as my doctor says, that's still a ways away.  First things first!

Last day of shots today!! Woohoo!!

Day 13 - Scan

The end is in sight!

Had my scan this morning.  The doctor said that Tuesday would really be better for collection as the goal is to have as many good eggs as possible and I do have some follicles lagging behind.  I'm sure that I could question him for his reasoning and thinking, but as my IVF experienced friend said, "What is he going to tell you really except that this is what he thinks they should do based on all the other patients they've seen and the results they've had with different protocols?".  It's true really.  Whatever they say to me isn't going to be the magic pill that "promises" the prize.  Either you trust your doctor, and the clinic, or you don't.  So lesson of the day- be very happy with your clinic and doctor because that's really all you've got.

At any rate, he counted 13 follicles and there may have been a couple others.  They are getting big!  He suggested that I should be looking at 5-10 eggs.  Of course there is a massive difference between 5 and 10.  And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except wait and see.  Obviously I hope for 10 and I will be disappointed with 5 but it will be what it will be and lets just hope that it's not any less than that which is of course, also entirely possible.

So I have my final drugs now, and I need to be back at the clinic at 8:30am on Tuesday morning for my procedure at 9am and I might be able to go home by 10 and hopefully by 11.

Tonight, I'm on the same drugs as usual- Gonal-F at 225 and Cetrotide.  Then tomorrow I do them again but the Gonal-F reduces (I have it written down- I think it's one eight something or other).  Sunday at 7pm I take the Cetrotide and then at 8pm I do the Ovitrelle which came pre-packaged and is currently in my fridge waiting for me.  Monday- no shots!  Hooray!  Before I head to the clinic on Tuesday morning, I take a suppository.  I think it's a painkiller.  I'm not sure, I'll need to double check, and I will post more about all that later.

This has of course prompted me to consider does the procedure actually hurt? It may sound stupid but it hadn't actually particularly occurred to me.  Then of course I made the mistake of looking at the internet which is full of both sides- people in pain and people feeling nothing.  Well, there just isn't any way to know what it's going to be like until it happens.  I'd say my tolerance for pain can be pretty high, but I do tend to flinch.  Hopefully I get enough sedation to just knock my ass out.

I've arranged for my friend to come meet me at the clinic and go home with me.  It's all heading to the finish line now!

I did say to the doctor today that my ovary feels uncomfortable, my digestive system seems to be a mess, and I've been feeling particularly grumpy.  He said it's all normal.  At least I can be objective at the moment.  The hormones haven't gotten that bad yet!!

Day 11 - Scan

So I had a scan this morning with a different doctor.  All going well.  I saw her count ten follicles and I saw a few more she didn't count.  She said it was good that they were mostly growing uniformly- that there weren't one or two 'ahead of the pack' in terms of growth which is good.  I guess they try to generally measure only the biggest ones.  She said they were also growing at a regular and steady and desirable rate.  So that was also all good.  The sad news is she said my collection could be Monday or even Tuesday.  It just keeps getting pushed further away!!  Ugh!  I hate the waiting!!!

Also this means I need to try to rearrange my "support" person as the person I had lined up is only free Thursday and Friday.  I think I've arranged someone though, so that's good.

I'm staying on the same dose of Gonal-F (225) plus the Cetrotide.

I asked if I was at any risk of OSHH.  The doctor told me that she didn't think so- especially as I had only one ovary.  If I had two ovaries, then maybe.  I thought this was interesting as I haven't seen anything about OHSS risks being reduced by having one ovary, but hey, I'll take it.

I learned the leftover injection pen and vials can go directly into the trash.  I'm not sure I 100% believe this, but the nurse said that they just put it all in regular trash so I can put it in my trash at home.  So I guess I will, even though it feels vaguely wrong.

Also, I learned that the clinic does see patients on the weekend for procedures- but they don't do scans and regular consultations on the weekend.  That seemed reasonable.

I definitely feel a tightness or pressure on my right side where my ovary is.  It's mildly annoying but not painful.  I can't say I've really had any other side effects that I've noticed.  I have some mild bruising across my belly from all the shots, but it's not that bad, and not painful.

Just back to shots and waiting...

Day 9 - Scan

Back from the doctor, had a good chat with him about the whole cyst thing.  He showed me how a (my) dermoid cyst looks a lot like the bowel.  Because my dermoid cyst is very small, it can be difficult to spot.  It is able to seen now because the ovary is enlarged.  It "moves" with the ovary.  But, when the ovary is smaller it can be hard to see from the surrounding gut.  He reiterated that it's very small and nothing to be concerned about.  So I feel much better about all of that.

On to more exciting news!  Follicles!  Now I see from reading other blogs that people get measurements on their follicles and I don't know what mine are.  So I can't say if I have good size ones or not.  I know they are growing though, because the doctor says so!  However, they are growing slowly.  So instead of collection being Thursday or Friday this week, I may be looking at Monday.  Which frankly, sort of sucks.  But I'm going in for another scan on Wednesday and then again on Friday.  So this is going to be a very busy week for my vagina. :)

I was careful to count the follicles he was measuring- so he measured 8 but he didn't measure a bunch that were on the other side.  So I counted ten or eleven follicles.  Obviously some are bigger than others.  Anyway, from everything I can gather, this seems like a good foundation.  So I'm excited.  I just now wish the little eggs would mature faster!

Obviously I'll find out more on Wednesday.  Unfortunately I don't see my regular doctor but I'll see another doctor in the clinic.  Although I'm not concerned about that.  I'm scheduled to see my regular doctor again on Friday.  I have this sneaking suspicion that perhaps they aren't open over the weekend?  I hope that's not the case as it would upset me to think that my collection is predicated on what is best for the doctor's schedule and not what's best for my body when I'm paying a lot of money for this.  But that's me making a gross assumption.  I'll not worry about that until Wednesday, when I'll try to glean more.

Oh, also, this longer stimulation time is a little bit annoying on the budget.  At this rate I'm going to be paying an extra 50-60% for the expensive drugs because I'm going more days than I thought.  In the grand scheme of things, it's okay, but it's a little bit annoying and I wasn't necessarily prepared for that length of extension.  I'm figuring it will be an extra £600 (~$900) per cycle.  Across two cycles, it's something to think about.  But hey-ho, in for a penny in for a pound!

Oh yeah, last thing- when I asked about the break between cycles the doctor said that after collection my period would hopefully come around the 11th of March.  Then April, then May, and THEN I could consider the next cycle.  So assuming everything goes as planned, my second cycle will be June.  Which gives me a good amount of time to relax and have fun in between.  Of course the doctor says to me "One step at a time!".  But I am a busy person and I need to schedule!!

Tonight, the further adventures of the human pin-cushion.  I'm still staying on Gonal-F at 225 with the Cetrotide.

Day 6 - Scan, Freak Out

Just back from my second scan and I'm feeling very negative today and worried.  Not about the follicles- there were a good number of those growing along.  But no, more about the dermoid cyst that has reappeared and was clearly visible on the scan.  In part I'm upset because on my previous 2 scans, neither doctor saw the dermoid cyst.  So maybe I was just sort of hoping it was gone or some sort of mistake.  But it was clearly there today, a white mass on the ultrasound in contrast to the nice little black follicles.

A dermoid cyst is how I lost my first ovary.

Now on the plus side, the doctor measured it and said it was about 14mmx18mm (less than 1"x1") and I know from having it scanned every year it's around 14mm.  So that means it hasn't grown.  But still it's just upset me tremendously to see it there, or, to rather 'suddenly' see it there.  And of course I'm getting worried about what taking hormones might be doing to it, or what will happen if it grows.

So today I feel rather bummed out and depressed.  And because it's Friday, I don't see the doctor again until Monday.

He was really not worried at all about it, and when I expressed my concern, told me I shouldn't be.  My IVF experienced friend said that he's given me the answer.  Either I trust him and continue or I stop.  I trust him.  But I don't trust enough to be comfortable with the situation- not because I don't trust the doctor, but probably more because I don't trust my own body.

It's my only and last ovary you know?  Ugh.  Just ugh.  Emotional due to emotions or emotional due to drugs?  Don't know.  Just... not very happy today.  (Although before all that happened, I was happily counting over 7 nicely forming follicles and being happy about that, but I can't get in touch with those feelings just now.)

*sigh*

In other news, staying on the Gonal-F at 225 with the Cetrotide.  Next scan Monday afternoon.  Expected collection Thursday or Friday next week.  I really want to try to be staying happy and positive.  Not worrying that I'm doing something that is going to lose me my only remaining ovary.

It's times like this when it just sort of sucks to be on your own. 

First Drugs

So now I'm just waiting for my period...

In the meantime I thought I'd put up what I got from the doctor.  They had it all ready for me in a blue plastic bag.  This is probably about half of the drugs (or a bit less) than I will actually need.  I appreciate that they are only giving me what I need.  I've read some blogs where people were encouraged to buy all the drugs up front and of course they may adjust the dose so then you have left-over very very expensive drugs.  You're looking at over £600 of drugs and equipment here ($900).

To give you some idea of size, that paper on top is A3 (11x17).  I felt like a serious junkie on my way home from the clinic!  I will post more pictures as I go through the process.  I don't know.  It helps me feel calm and collected to document the process.  The first thing I'll be taking is the Gonal-F on the second day of my period.

For the love of... I'm not computer illiterate!  I don't know why it insists on rotating this photo.  I give up.  So anyway, these are two injection pens.  I'll give more details when I open my first box.  Probably the 450 box.  I'm starting on a 225 dose, so the first pen will have 2 doses.  The second 900 pen has 4 doses.  But they may lower the dose after my next scan which should be on day 4 of injections.  On day 4 I also start the Cetrotide which is the one that came with the instruction sheet because I have to mix it.  That is always the same dose, so each box is a single dose with everything you need to mix it up.  Again, more on that as it happens.

But the thing that really made me feel the most like a druggie?  The sharps bin.  Here you can see the place for my needles... and the top of my instruction schedule.  The nurse was very careful to tell me that as it's shown there it's 'closed' but if I push it the whole way, it will lock.  So don't do that.  Of course I need to travel around with this thing and I'm thinking, if it doesn't close, can't things fall out of it???  I'll just have to pack it carefully.

Now on with the waiting for my period... honestly.  It's worse than being a 12 year old girl!

The Schedule

I thought I'd put the egg freezing schedule here for two reasons.  First, so I don't have to keep looking up the email, and also because I found it very difficult to find a clear "schedule" of the process when I was looking up egg freezing and IVF.  I'm sure it's actually all over the place, but one more can't hurt.

• On the 19th day after the first day of your period, you start taking Norethisterone (5mg) twice a day for 8 days. For me, this starts on the 29th of January.
• On the 8th day (last day of the Norethisterone) you come in for a scan to assess the ovaries.  If the ovaries are okay (or in my case, ovary), you are given your stimulation medication to start on day 2 of your period. For me, this is the 5th of February.
• Your period should start 2-5 days after finishing the Norethisterone.
• Start stimulation injections on day 2 of your period.  Day one is considered the day of a full-flow period that starts before noon.  If your period starts after noon, then the following day is considered day one. For me, this is around the 10th of February.
• On day 4 of your injections, you start with an additional daily injection of Cetrotide. For me, this is around the 13th of February.
• 4-7 days after the start of Gonal F/Merional and as needed until follicles reach the correct size- takes approximately 3 scans.
• The trigger shot (hCG Ovitrelle) is done at exactly 37 hours prior to egg collection.
• Egg collection! For me around the 22nd of February, if everything else goes to plan!

And that's it for egg freezing.  If you are continuing on with IVF there are other steps and stages for embryo transfer.  But for egg freezing, that's where the story ends.

EMail Sent

Just a quick one.

Sent an email to the clinic confirming that I want to go ahead with the procedure.  As my understanding is it must start with your period, I'm looking at February.  Then I actually looked at my diary for February and got a mild sort of panic.

This is no small commitment and my life is a little bit messy at the moment.  I have at least two things in February I absolutely can not reschedule.  I need to better understand the day-by-day schedule for this procedure so I can try to work around it and with it.  This is also complicated by the fact that I usually spend my life one week in London and one week in Cambridge.  It's not the end of the world to go between either, but it's not ideal.  With enough notice I could probably just stay in London (except for when I have a meeting in Cambridge that's not moveable).

And then the ridiculous mind-set drifts in.  I start to panic that I'm wasting months and getting older and every month gone is going to somehow decrease my chance.  I know this is not healthy thinking and I must stop it.  It's easy to see how it happens though.

Deep breaths.