15 February 2013

Day 6 - Scan, Freak Out

Just back from my second scan and I'm feeling very negative today and worried.  Not about the follicles- there were a good number of those growing along.  But no, more about the dermoid cyst that has reappeared and was clearly visible on the scan.  In part I'm upset because on my previous 2 scans, neither doctor saw the dermoid cyst.  So maybe I was just sort of hoping it was gone or some sort of mistake.  But it was clearly there today, a white mass on the ultrasound in contrast to the nice little black follicles.

A dermoid cyst is how I lost my first ovary.

Now on the plus side, the doctor measured it and said it was about 14mmx18mm (less than 1"x1") and I know from having it scanned every year it's around 14mm.  So that means it hasn't grown.  But still it's just upset me tremendously to see it there, or, to rather 'suddenly' see it there.  And of course I'm getting worried about what taking hormones might be doing to it, or what will happen if it grows.

So today I feel rather bummed out and depressed.  And because it's Friday, I don't see the doctor again until Monday.

He was really not worried at all about it, and when I expressed my concern, told me I shouldn't be.  My IVF experienced friend said that he's given me the answer.  Either I trust him and continue or I stop.  I trust him.  But I don't trust enough to be comfortable with the situation- not because I don't trust the doctor, but probably more because I don't trust my own body.

It's my only and last ovary you know?  Ugh.  Just ugh.  Emotional due to emotions or emotional due to drugs?  Don't know.  Just... not very happy today.  (Although before all that happened, I was happily counting over 7 nicely forming follicles and being happy about that, but I can't get in touch with those feelings just now.)


In other news, staying on the Gonal-F at 225 with the Cetrotide.  Next scan Monday afternoon.  Expected collection Thursday or Friday next week.  I really want to try to be staying happy and positive.  Not worrying that I'm doing something that is going to lose me my only remaining ovary.

It's times like this when it just sort of sucks to be on your own. 


  1. Alright. I'm posting a follow up to this because I'm not freaking out as much as I was this morning. Deep breaths.

    First of all, when I went to the doctor the very first time, I had every reason to believe that I had a small cyst on my remaining ovary. Now he didn't see it in the scan. And when I went in for my second scan that doctor also didn't see it. So today when it reappeared I freaked.

    However, had it been visible the entire time, I would not be freaking out. And in truth, I did think it was there initially. So why may it not have been visible the previous two scans?

    On completely non-medical knowledge, I think it might have to do with fullness of bladder/intestines. Every time I go for a scan at the hospital to monitor the little cyst, they make me have a very full bladder. When I have been scanned at the clinic they have had me empty my bladder. This morning, although I had emptied my bladder I was full in another way. Very full. The scan was unpleasant due to said fullness. So maybe the fullness/pressure made it become apparent.

    The doctor is not concerned. I have googled other IVF blogs about cysts. No, it's not ideal, but it IS still very small. And should not be a problem as long as it doesn't grow. And it's not going to grow that much by next week.

    I don't love that I have a problem with cysts. And I don't love that my one remaining ovary has a cyst on it. But it's okay. It's under control. It's certainly under observation, and it doesn't change anything about all of the reasons that I still think this is the right thing to be doing.

  2. Hey Kayla,

    SO glad you are feeling better about how today went. You have the right mind set and in the end everything will be ok. Like you said, if the doctor isn't worried, then no need for you to be. Can you believe in just days it will be time for the retrieval? How exciting! Concentrate (for now) on those growing follicles and know that in no time at all, those eggs will be out and frozen!

    So, it sounds like the hormones have nothing to do with the cyst since it isn't growing. We shall see what my fibroid does. Thankfully that is in my uterous but because it is so big, it makes getting to the right ovary diffcult. My doctor said she can just go thru the fibroid with the retrieval needle to get to my ovary if need be...thank goodness I'll be alseep!

    Let me know how Monday goes and keep asking those questions! I can't imagine not getting a play by play but at least you know there is a different method of healthcare and ask questions. I bet the doctors enjoy talking about it since that isn't normal protocol. Sounds like you are at a great clinic. Keep up the positive thoughts and know you aren't alone. Even though I'm all the way in GA, I'm thinking about you and hear to "listen" to everything that you are going thru. I can't wait to start the process myself and get advice from you!

  3. Meghan-

    Definitely feeling more calm this morning. And I am going to ask (of course I have to ask!) why the doctor thinks they didn't see the cyst on the previous scans. Having his view will make me feel better. But yeah, it doesn't appear that the hormones are doing anything to it. It just got my hopes up (I think) when they didn't see it, so it was horribly shocking when suddenly it came back. And I'm sure the hormone-emotions didn't help!

    That's good that they can go through the fibroid. Is it not possible to remove the fibroid? I don't know very much about them. Yes, I think it's very good that we're asleep for the procedure! :)

    I honestly think it confuses doctors here when you ask questions as it's really just not what they're prepared for. I've discussed this with other friends who live here (some British, many not) and those who aren't British have similar views but those who are British tend to just have very different expectations from a doctor (which makes sense). But as I say, the clinic and doctor is very open to my questions, I just have to have the presence of mind to ask which puts more burden on me.

    Bet you are really looking forward to your cycle starting!! :)

  4. Perhaps ask the doctor why he is not concerned -- hearing the reason behind their response might help alleviate some of your anxiety? Sound like things are going well!

  5. Thanks CT. I will definitely have a chat with the doctor about it on Monday when I have my next scan. And ask for as much information as he can give! I did say I was concerned, and he did say I shouldn't be. But I didn't pursue it to ask WHY he thought so. Good idea. Thanks for the comment!

  6. Hey Kopaylopa,
    I'm so sorry to hear about all this stress. Just remember that there's absolutely nothing you can do about the situation except accept what is and go with that. I know it must be terribly hard to do that when you received such a fright, but this *is* your path for now and know that no matter what happens, you're going through a process and you will come out the other side. It may not meet your expectations, but then again, did any of us expect to be doing this when we were little girls? For me, I'm just trying to embrace what I have and recognize that there's nothing I can do about anything and even the doctors often don't know what to expect, so I may as well just relax. Good luck to you as you approach extraction time!

    1. Thanks! A friend of mine pointed out that if I was concerned about the cyst and my ovary, what I might very much want to do would be to secure whatever eggs I could at this point- which is exactly what I'm doing. I'm feeling better about it now but I will be asking the doctor more tomorrow. And yeah- certainly not what any of us expected I'm sure!!! :)

  7. *here (typo from my earler post)